Out of Office...

"Happiness is a feeling, not a destination." ~ Kristen Corley

A new friend was asking for an update on the blog. I wasn't really sure what to say.

I'd tell travel stories - I wish to tell you about Kuwait and Poland and The Seychelles with Aladdin but I'm quarantine-border-locked-in with travel memories at this time and keeping them close to my heart is helping my quarantine stress.

Can you see the continental map by my foot at the Copernicus Monument in Warsaw?

I'm staying in Qatar for the summer. With the humor of my family, I'm making the best of it.

My parents: "The Return, Mandatory, Unclear Directive, 2-Week Hotel Quarantine cost is exorbitant. We miss you, but we can use Zoom every day. Please use that money you'd spend on a flight and hotel re-entry quarantine and go to the QDC (liquor and pork products store) and have a nice summer of sunshine cocktails and also please buy a paddle board. Treat yourself to a nice dinner when the restaurants re-open."

Cocktails, charcuterie, and the ocean.

Welcome to my family.

I live alone - fact, not complaint. I really don't think I could live with anyone right now except maybe a dog-friend.

I had friends in neighbor apartments at The Park and now at The Pearl also so I'm technically not "alone", but there's usually nobody to speak to out loud. I participated in The Virtual Choir 6 (releasing 16 July, Eric Whitacre's YouTube!) so there were a few weeks of singing and vocalizing, but now, mostly silence. On the odd occasion I do have to speak, in a voice message or to someone stopping in, I'm surprised at the sound of my voice - and I'm surprised that I don't really know what to say.

The European Biker used to tell me that things would always turn out for me because I was good at life. I would chuckle and think to myself, "I'm good at life because I studied and practiced."

Right now, I don't feel good at life.

There has been no chance or place to practice it.

I feel really good at my career because I practiced remote learning experiences and I feel good with current career trends and changes because I practiced them too. Thank heavens for Zoom because I could write a symphony regarding the disagreements of music classes with GoogleMeet. I'm grateful for a spontaneous 1 hour Zoom and the chance to participate in artistic, creative connections with others in my position:

Those alone, in quarantine, at risk of turning silent, yet with so much to say.

I'm enrolled in a TEFL certificate program.

"Teaching English as a Foreign Language"

Last week's work-at-your-own-pace-self-guided assignment was about the various elements of language learning:

Writing.

Reading.

Listening.

... and Speaking.

You can study a language all you wish during quarantine but there hasn't been a chance to practice the speaking with other people part since everything shut down. No happy hours, no spin classes, no coffee walks, just isolating social distance at the coffee shop where a barista longs for connection, just like me.

I know 4 men named Rami in Qatar.

A popular cultural name, so to keep them straight in my phone, they're categorized:

Party Rami, Shisha Rami, GQ (maybe you read about him last June - my watch guy, stuck out-of-country in his own border closure but he still sends hellos!), and JagsRami.

JagsRami was introduced to me by my Doha best friend Jags (photo) who sadly, returned to the UK in her own quarantine, without any type of departure shenanigans only we could pull off, and I'm at a complete loss without her in person.

All Rami's aside, restaurants reopened with Qatar's Phase 2 re-opening plan. I made a reservation for the regulated 4 persons at a favorite place, simply to get out of the house, eat food I have yet to figure out how to make on my own (still trying) and people watch at the Souq. JagsRami said, "Thank you for the invitation. I'm not afraid of corona, I'm afraid of being around people again for the first time in 4 months."

Yep. Me too.

I attend webinars, participate in activities, but exit before the social breakout rooms at the end. I just can't. Not a clue why - I shower and my home is decorative and clean and I'd like to meet these music teachers from all over the world. "The Old Me" would have gathered a whole network of friends by now but Quarantine Me is freaking out at the idea of having to talk to someone.

Um, how am I supposed to talk again?

Maybe I'm just supposed to listen, and that's ok. This is going to need practice again, and that's ok too.

I'm a rule follower so I legitimately spent near-lock-down-quarantine as a 1-person, regulations, and a mask.

Phase 2 "gatherings of no more than 5" at our complex, I spend time freaking out over conversation. At our 4th of July Party, I felt ridiculously awkward every time I opened my mouth. I thought of that quote, "If you look around at your friend group and can't find the oddball... it's you." I'm almost dreading "Christmas in July" because I don't want to be the "weird friend". Pre-quarantine these people were my Framily and I gave no second thought to anything with them. Currently, I don't feel comfortable around people and I look for any excuse to escape. Exiting for a drink refill is respite.

Being around anyone feels more difficult than when I struggled to find my space in "my new normal".

"New Normal" presents re-entry challenges of social cuing, comfort, and the constructs of learning a language. "Conversation" is a huge part of language learning.

Why do I place this social pressure on myself?

Why do I care so much?

Answer: Anxiety

Why is 2020 such an introspective year?

Answer: Quarantine.

I decided with JagsRami's comment that I am going to start all over again practicing life. I accept it is going to be even harder this second time around because I know where the pitfalls will be.

Four years ago, I gathered enough momentum the spinning pieces of my life and developed a path of activities to gain personal confidence, physical strength, mental agility, and a half-genuine smile. A training program, of sorts.

I'll train again - as my brother messaged me about a Rooftop Yoga I could Facebook live attend.

I did my best to hold myself up on my mat.

Praying more daily.

Taking purposeful, noticeable, deeper breaths while washing dishes (cinnamon rolls!), folding clothes (I've a DRYER in this apartment!!!), watering plants (Almond Trees, adorable twin plants I named The Almond Sisters - like The Andrews Sisters singers but Almonds... oh, nevermind...), and having cups of tea (also Prosecco) while looking at the Qatari sky and sea from my balcony.

Walking my gorgeous new neighborhood.

Studying life through blogs and sociology readings.

Reading everything.

Trying to understand the storyline of the Matchington Mansion app.

Paddleboarding.

Grieving.

Going through it a second time, I sort-of know what to expect.

Grieving Jim and our would be 10 year anniversary this month.

Grieving global loss of job skills and classroom moments.

Grieving bigger ideas of friends and family.

Grieving friends now distant in home countries, never having a final "Doha Hurrah".

Grieving "before Covid" and that right now it just doesn't seem to be getting better.

Sharing in the grief of my friends who are hurting much more than I am.

Grieving sucks. Sharing your blessings doesn't.

But I'm blessed with so many things at this time and I am beyond grateful to have the support to try again.

While I "feel alone in my world at this time", I'm not really alone as I watch over Zoom how my nieces play and my parents tell funny stories about home and I receive photos and video messages.

I know I'm not really alone Zoom Gallery View creating connective moments.

Maybe next week I won't skip out of that meet and greet.

My paddle board arrived so consider this my out of office memo.

If you need me, I'll be on the water, practicing life again.

Please wave and yell Hello.

It will be good to talk to you on the shore.

Slainte.