If you could have "Five More Minutes" somewhere with someone, would you take it? The Theor

Time is both my enemy and my greatest motivator.

Piazza Unita d'Italia, Public Square, Trieste, Italy

99% sure everyone has one of these.

"If I could go back and have 5 more minutes, I'd ..."

"I wish I could go back and say"

"I would want to make sure..."

"I never got a chance to say... so I'd say it"

What's your "wish you could go back to" moment?

I'm pretty courageous, daring, and adventurous. I had some help from a suave mentor getting back to this point. On July 21, 2016 at a Charity Event, he reminded me I had been keeping most courageous, daring, adventurous self hidden from view, and since I am my best asset, I should get myself back out there, living. You should see this man engage with a room full of people he doesn't know - and you should see him guest speak on Fox News sometimes too! HA! Impressive skills. My other secret? I read a book (The Fine Art of Small Talk, by Debra Fine a free .pdf download on the Internets).

Thanks to that book, a guy with a 50 pound box of citrus fruits (that is a really good story, I'll tell you sometime!), and my mentor's professionalism, guidance, kindness, and sense of humor, I've returned to what I call "Calculatedly Spontaneous" : I'll do just about anything (legal), I just want to think about it first. No regrets. Saying and doing what I feel is right to say and do because I know exactly what it is like to not be able to say or do with someone in a moment you really need them to be there...

And knowing that feeling sucks.

But believe it or not, I have two "I wish I could go back" moments.

One, there is zero chance.

I will never get to return to a moment in 2013.

And that's that.

The other, cosmically, because that's how it's been in 2019, I had a chance to visit last week, and I launched at the chance without a question. Why? The Theory of Universals. If you can wrap your head around the basics of how I perceive it to be after reading about it for some months, "The idea of (the thing) is perfect, (the thing) in material form is just a copy of the perfect idea". So, the idea of love is better than a material version of love which will just be a copy of the concept of love. (I think, but oh how I believe in and hope for love.)

Having this chance at "Five More Minutes" - which actually turned into a little more than 3 hours - was as flawless and perfect as I could have ever hoped and my heart is full and my soul is settled.

Do you ever think about being able to go back and have a cup of coffee again with someone you'd like to talk to? Would you go? What would you say to them? (Not a historical figure, but a real person from a situation in your life... one of my top 5 historical people is the Woman at the Well from the Bible Story though.)

After the last week of Doha love - all signs pointing to "Qatar was one of The Ideas You've Been Seeking that is Seeking You Too" - a week of receiving answers to questions, seeing sunrises and sunsets, feeling the changing wind hold me up, and gratefully acknowledging other people's courage to tell me things they needed to tell me, I knew the idea of spending "Five More Minutes" in my second place would be perfect, because maybe it would make a difference to this other person.

The 1932 pre-musical comedy movie starring Maurice Chevalier called "One More Hour" is about a doctor and his wife who are faithful to each other despite the fact that they are attracted to other people. Faithful to each other, no matter the situation or place. I cannot believe some of the scene content would have been allowed to be filmed or released in the early '30's, but it is quaint, has good music, some really great puns, and was one of those bizarre TCM movies I put on my rewatch list.

A song Chevalier sings in the movie, you can find it on iTunes and I have it in a playlist, reminds me that you may only have one moment to to say what you want and have to say, it might need to be heard by the other party (whatever the case, not always about love), and the chance might not ever come again, so get it off your chest.

Maurice Chevalier : It's sweet when the band is playing to hold you in my arms. But I haven't time for saying what I think of your charms. It's wonderful to be swaying to music of the dance - but I'd rather be obeying the music of romance. How I would love one hour with you. One hour of just being with you. Then I could say what I'm feeling and concealing in my heart. Tonight when all our dancing is through and moonbeams fall on roses and dew, perhaps you may even say that you love me too, and let me stay one hour with you.

Well, Chevalier, I got my hour. Actually, a bit more than three hours, started over club sodas like it did seven months ago, and ended with my friend and a full heart. It felt like home, felt safe, and felt like I was all the way back where I belonged.

I love challenges and when people present me with a challenge. I love when people tell me things I haven't heard yet and teach me new things, about myself and about the world. I love when people call me out on my BS, ask me about my real thoughts, quote song lyrics in real life scenarios, and make me question every single principle, thought pattern, and decision I've ever made. I love people who recognize I don't want to coast through life. I want to take life and have it shake me, flip me, make me see from other perspectives, and kick my butt. I need someone who is going to challenge me, #heyyoukeepup - and I found this person in Qatar. Anonymity what it is here on the blog, I am going to call him Doha Uncle Sam.

The first month I was here in Qatar, I met Doha Uncle Sam, and he did the things I described in the last paragraph. (He loves Dave Matthews as much as I do too.) He has incredible "magic hands" - don't get a dirty mind about it (I'm a pianist and I'm always looking at people's hands). His sly, kitchen-skilled hands fit perfectly into mine and they seemed to slyly find their way into mine. Hands that also touched and felt the world, inquiring about life's intricate processes. Doha Uncle Sam is magical in thoughts, soul, mind, dreams, and goals too. Kismet circumstances of being in the right place at the right time, he and I were both on a busy street and we turned right into each other. Something about his gentlemanly manner immediately lit a fire inside my brain and a good tingle on the back of my neck. The first texts we exchanged after bumping into each other and exchanging numbers consisted of my inquisitive scowl, his photo of a chicken, and a dual series of laughs. Instant connection. Instant friend. Since God sends me who and what I need when I need them and it, having met this American, in this country, I believe that statement so very much now that I'd have it screen printed on a sofa pillow. Remember I came here working on self-love, self-acceptance, and self-knowledge? Well, he seemed to know that too.

He provided a touch of USA from an outside-work perspective. Helped me not be quite so homesick with his American conversation distractions. We went for drinks and saw the beach. Work schedules and trainings and job contract requirements here what they are, we didn't see each other much, but the good thing about technology is that no matter where you are, there's a way to communicate that let's you say "thinking about you". He has a philosopher mind... and a perfect perspective on how life can explode because it's not dismantling wires that will help diffuse a thought or situation, it's about seeing what each wire is connected to that helps you sort it out. Manage your connections and you're managing the situation. Look at the entire picture and see what is connected to what, go from there - keep yourself safe while doing it (recognize my self-protection mode, anyone?) - and when he said these words in September I shouted out THAT WAS HOW MY ENTIRE 2017 and 2018 was... seeing what was connected to what (Part 3: Wellness Dimensions) and how to diffuse it before I exploded. Oh, Doha Magic Hands Uncle Sam, you saw my raw edges, saw right into my soul, ruffled my chicken feathers, and changed my life.

Friends that we were, our connection what it became, we had a really strong disagreement in October about compromises for another person. It wasn't a disagreement really, he was 100% right on what he had to say, I just didn't like that he saw through my BS and challenged me on it, because I'd do almost anything for him. We had another pushy dialogue in December about personality traits and what we'd ask of our "ride-or-die" (see: I'd do almost anything for him). I'm an incredibly difficult person on opinions and compromises, I know this, but I also ask the same of another person: Firm in their opinions and compromises... but again, he was 100% right, I just didn't like what he had to say. I'd never ask mine to jeopardize legal status, but they could drive the bank heist getaway car, a lesser offense. His version? "Ride-or-die" would be in the bank with him, "ride-or-die" has the same offense. Spot on correct. And for a second time, I didn't do what I felt I wanted to do, because I did what I had to do... but why was what I wanted to do and doing a different thing? Why is/was/would be a problem for anyone other than me? Who did I feel I was always trying to please?

Ugh.

I thought my anxieties about our friendship came from knowing he would keep up the challenge, pushing me to my better self, and my anxiety was that we didn't see enough eye to eye (aka: I'm not good enough for him, or for me, I won't ever say the right things, I'm not good enough for anyone, even me, spiraling negative self-talk), and the panic of not knowing what else we might disagree on made me stir-crazy about losing his friendship until I couldn't bear it and I walked away from our connection. What I accepted and admitted to myself a few weeks ago was that my anxiety was actually based on how he got me to see all the parts of myself I didn't love, asked me the toughest questions I needed to answer, and was going to make me work on the answers like a hold-you-accountable friend would, as I would expect my version of a "ride-or-die" would do for me, and he was there for me through it all. He "showed up" for me when I needed him to show up, and I got scared and pushed him away. The healthy challenge of self-love and knowing who I am is part of why I came to Qatar, what I am working on, and I'm not going to quit until I love myself without excuses, stop trying to please everyone with my actions and deeds, and know what I stand for and who I am... and I missed him.

While it frustrated me to no end and drove me insane - it also made me grow. He helped me grow very much these 7 months, though we didn't talk at all after the January exchange before I walked out and into self-protection mode. As I learned as an ExPat, all contracts are different, change, relocate you and you land on the globe where you land - and your true friends go with you, no matter where you land with your job, or a new one. Therefore, many people turn to self-protection mode because of location uncertainty. That is ExPat life in its simplest terms - you get to know people on the globe and you get to keep their friendship. As European Biker Dude from the Top of the World, always tells me, "Wherever you go, you have to take yourself with you.". After my Emirates Epiphanies, I'm here. I'm listening to me.

Spend some moments on your search engines with this :

Theory of Forms (Plato):

The physical world isn't as real or true as timeless, absolute, unchangeable ideas, forms, or substances.

Ideas are non-physical perfect essences of things - objects becomes imitations.

The idea of a chair is the perfect thing. The chair itself is a copy.

(This was one of the first conversations I had with Doha Magic Hands Uncle Sam. My mind = blown when I thought about everything as ideas and imitations. In addition to his warm smile, gorgeous eyes, calm voice, sexy sideways smirk, hands, and his direct conversation approach, he had me hooked in a lot of intellectual ways.)

This week, with all the love returned to me, the fact that he's been on my brain daily since the failed 10 minute January exchange, guilt eating at me from walking away from someone really good for me - from the safety of my self-protection mode, I felt I needed "Five More Minutes" with him. I needed to talk to him again.

Cosmically enough, I learned we've both been waiting for each other to make the first step back toward our connection.

The brief "hey, hello".

The regular conversation jargon, "I couldn't believe I ________, it's insane when you think about this sand pit sometimes, right?"

The extended, "I thought about you _________. It reminded me of __________." "Did you get to __________? How was it?"

"I couldn't believe it when I ___________ and I was all like, Qatar has been holding out on me this whole time."

Yet, the "tell me about the last adventure you were on" conversation is what we do best. Thinking questions. Ones that match the list of questions in the "Fine Art of Small Talk" book. Getting-to-know-who-you-are questions.

Then he said, "I saw you out a few months ago, and you looked so happy. I thought you saw me too, but I guess not... I thought, someday you will have something to say to me again, and when you do, I'd like to hear it." - my heart grew and sank. I'd missed him so very much since January when again I did what I had to do rather than what I wanted to do. Will I always do what I have to rather than want to? Did that conversation fail like I think it did, or was it a success? I wanted to stay friends but I walked away. I should have done something before three months went by. I have missed my friend this whole time. I am pretty sure he missed me too. We're both the same stubborn absolutes. Too long have I missed how he made me think in absolutes, end-game tactics, and diffusing my own thoughts. Too long have I missed his jokes, that smirk, and I wondered if it was too late to get my friend back. As it turns out, I think I got my friend back.

Speaking in song lyrics as real life scenarios: Dave Matthews says in #41:

Come and see, I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles. I'm coming slow but speeding. Do you wish for a dance, and while I'm in the front my play on time is won. Oh, but the difficulty is coming here.

I will go in this way and find my own way out. I won't tell you what to be, but it's coming to much more. Me. All at once the ghosts come back, reeling in you now, oh tell me what if they came down crushing. It used to be that you and me played for all of the loneliness that nobody notices now. I'm begging slow as I'm coming here. Only waiting, I wanted to stay, I wanted to play, I wanted to love you.

I'm only this far, and only tomorrow leads the way.

I'm coming in waltzing back and moving into your head. Please, I wouldn't pass this by. Oh no, but I wouldn't take any more than I need. What sort of man goes by? Well, I will bring you water. Why won't you ever be glad. It melts into wonder. I came in praying for you. Why won't you run into rain and play?

Let all the tears splash all over you, the way the rain comes down on you.

Then he hit me with, "is there anything you need to say to me you're holding back"- it startled me... but then I giggled. At one point in our friendship we each called each other's bluff - and we each either won or lost, because (not stopping to take a photo because standing in a moment really looking around and using all my senses to take it in was better than any photo) at a swanky resort spot, looking over the evening glow of the pool, beach chairs on sand, palm trees at water's edge, with him at my side I knew I had won the joy of knowing him, somewhere on the globe. I am not holding anything back from my Uncle Sam. There isn't and wasn't or ever will be anything to keep from him. In the "Five More Minutes", I had a chance to say what I needed to say and what I had hoped to say to my friend again. I missed him. I'd like the connection back. He strengthened my hope about love. He made me feel like home and adventure all at the same time. He said some things too that made me happy to hear them, put me in my place, and get our friendship back.

I'm glad we both had the courage at that exact moment we did to make this Five More Minutes, because Doha Uncle Sam Magic Hands is leaving the Sand Pit. His contract here is finished and he will begin work in another country next week.

And that is how my life goes. Friends kept close in my heart but geographically far all over the globe, thoughts of them with me through adventure and wishing they were with me... but this one - he'll be "home". Whenever I get around to "home".

Clock, Abdul Aziz Nasser Theater, Doha, Qatar.

Theory of Universals.

The idea of the (thing) is far superior than the actual (thing).

Form, the essence of the object, "(form is) that, without which, a thing would not be the thing it is, the blueprint of perfection, the unchanging representation of objects and qualities" (Greek Mythologers and Philosopher People Quotes)

The mind understands what a particular thing is from its own association with that particular thing and other things like it. (Artistotle)

The features and form of that thing are established by our mind based on our association with what the universally accepted form of that thing is. (Plato)

I think. (therefore I am. (Descartes)). hahaha.

Theory of Universals.

Appearances of things change.

If the appearance changes, then what is (the thing) after the change? If the appearance of the chair changes, then is it still a chair?

If the appearance of love changes, then it is still love?

(I'm no philosopher, bear with me, my brain is on fire with all of this.)

I believe the idea of the chair is still there, hence, whatever the chair has become may not look like what we have always accepted as a chair, but is still a chair. If the form of a chair transcend times and spaces then even though it looks like not anything we have universally accepted as a chair, it still has the function of a chair, so yes, it is a chair. If every concept has a form, then love has a form, too, and even though it looks different than anything we have universally accepted it to be, it still functions as love.

Self-love.

Doha Uncle Sam Magic Hands was my first gift of self-love.

Teaching me how to love myself, understand myself, and how I should "show up" for me.

The first chance I had in Qatar to figure it out. At the time, I didn't think I got it right, for him. Maybe I didn't see until these last weeks that I got it right for me and therefore him as well. I'm no philosopher, just a love-hopeful person. I asked myself "why does having to get it right for him matter so much to me when I should be worried about getting it right for myself?"

Oh, love makes me insane, (evil laugh).

Uncle Sam. My form of self-love that, without this form, love would not be the love it is, a blueprint of perfect love, the unchanging representation of love and its qualities. I'm 40, it's 2019, a digital age, people are oriented in their lives, and the dating scene operates differently from 20 years ago. Excuses? No. The form of love has changed. But for me, it's still love.

Bear with me, I'm sorting out another piece of the me puzzle. I'm nervously sharing and putting it out here on the blog - but I am feeling love right now, from myself and from a whole world of people I know. It's a perfect love, for me, right now. The timeless, absolute, unchangeable idea of undeniable love from one-someone-else who is emotionally available to give it no excuses or cutouts and is up to handling my verbosity, my difficulties, my challenges, accepting my "ride-or-die" expectations - the theory of having one-specific-someone right here to love (my Boston Aunt would say "boyfriend") may be different for me. It's not negative self-talk, it's a reality. A close male friend told me that men here see me as "a heart that is unavailable"... I was shocked. (Why is my heart showing unavailability? Am I doing this unconsciously? Why wouldn't someone want to accept the challenge of my heart? I thought someone did! Wait, what?) I'm so in love with life and Qatar, I'm just blissful, and that is attractive because I'm confidently sure in my own space. I'm not a person who seeks assurance or to be defined by anyone else and I'm not out advertising myself as a commodity - I'm a Me, not a We, but looking for an Us, appreciating someone to join me on the journey - fully step up, arrive, "show up" for me, like I've done for myself, but am I unconsciously pushing them away with my confidence?

Ugh. My brain!

With the knowledge of Universals and stuff, making my way through difficult March and April memories, the love I accept right now is the entirety of ExPat life and Qatar, because that is what has fully stepped up for me, accepted me where I am at, and giving me a journey I could never have imagined. This is all exceptionally perfect, because this experience is amazing, and I'd take 'dating Qatar and ExPat life' hahaa and be a really lucky girl! (see Perks of Being a Wallflower, "We accept the love we think we deserve" and: How To Be Single, movie : this may be your one chance ever to be not connected to anything except yourself, so get out there and go - which, uh, oh my brain sees it now, is what I'm doing, so no wonder my heart is showing to the world what it shows... #adventureon)

You can see there is much to this Theory of Universals, and after all the reading I've done in 7 months about it, I'm still perplexed, but I know the objections and realist perspective - objection: some things are just too bizarre to be accepted universally and realistically: nothing has to be abstract, out of a space or time, everything can exist in multiple forms, in many places. Love is a concept, maybe just not like you universally accept it, but it is how I do, and it can exist in many ways right here, now.

Maybe my version of love doesn't look like "my having a boyfriend and we go out on this town weekly". Maybe love in ExPat life is two people committing to each other, no matter where they are on the globe, because that's "your person" and you are theirs. You're solo in your geographic spot, but you know there is someone trustedly waiting for you in their spot, both waiting for your spots to connect, even so briefly, but you matter to them in your spot and they matter to you in their spot. This is a form of love I understand, the absolute concept of love, no matter the distance, love affects the other part (Quantum Entanglement Theory of Spooky Connections). This is a type of love to which I can commit. So, it is not the universal theory of "a boyfriend", it is the theory of someone on the globe, and being so self-confident in my own time and place that I know that someone will love me and will join me on the journey on their part of the globe, and trustedly wait for us to get to a time and place together.

This is a theory I universally accept.

Maybe I am meant to have one-someone love me again.

Maybe it's My Uncle Sam (I'd like that), maybe it's another, maybe it's someone I haven't even met yet. Maybe it's right in front of me and I don't see it yet because I'm not ready to, and maybe it's you. (wink, ha!). Meanwhile, I'm going to continue enjoying the idea of love by having all of you with me, all the time, all over the globe, reading my silly words and thoughts. I believe in love so strongly and I know it exists. Doha Uncle Sam Magic Hands is my self-love, self-accepting, Theory of Universals. I'll see how this matches my own understanding of the Entanglement Theory as our renewed friendship rekindles with a bit of time and the new distance. I'm up for doing the work... force on an object (friendship), over a distance (100 countries apart). But I understand if he's not. That's life.

(Entanglement Theory keeps me pondering how stuff is spookily connected... when actions are performed on stuff in one spot, stuff in another spot is affected, no matter the distance between the stuff, and at 10,816 miles from my family, I truly believe connections over distance: you have two red gloves, one of them is with you on Earth the other is sent to Mars, you still have two red gloves, but if you change the one on Earth to Blue, apparently the one on Mars changes properties as well, but what the devil that means I'm still working out... My brain! I'm only managing understanding these things slowly.)

For the last 7 months, each day I look out the right side of the bus, on purpose. I want to see the same thing each day, much like a Shepherd looks over the same land each day. Does a Shepherd see the land the same way we do? "Not at all", says Doha Uncle Sam Magic Hands, and he's 100% right on this too - the Shepherd notices the slightest difference, as it's what his trained eyes do. The Shepherd will notice something out of place, something new in place, and something that has changed. I've noticed my changes. They are slow and small, but I've changed.

So, Doha Uncle Sam Magic Hands, thanks for the Five More Minutes. My heart is so very sad to see you depart, so very happy for your contract, and elated to have you in my global circle. Again, thanks for finding me here, mentally/emotionally and geographically. Thanks for showing up for me when I most needed you these entire months. Thanks for challenging me in your presence and your absence, and now I hope your renewed presence, because I'm so very sorry I walked away in January and I'm glad you've given me the chance now to say what I needed to say. I like your brain too. I hope your Shepherd eyes saw a difference in me, even though there have been big changes, I hope you saw at least something. I am not changing for anyone, I am changing for me. Good luck to you on this next journey... write me, and I'll write you too. Next time you see me, do not let me go by but stop me in my tracks and say hello. I hope the globe puts us together somewhere again. And please, don't be a stranger... I won't be one either... I won't leave you again... and I promise you I will stay safe, if you promise me to stay safe too - even in some of the unsafe places. Here's to seeing you on the globe when life lets us cross paths again... because I'm glad to have you in my life and I'd really enjoy seeing you when it's time to be together again. I know there's a DMB playlist waiting for us, a jukebox with favorite songs for drinkable moments, and beach sunset waiting for us - because sunshine and clear skies is the only weather either one of us can stand.

Safe trip... and an IPA for me when you land.

Slainte.

"How real existence is to be studied or discovered is, I suspect, beyond you and me."~ Plato