The World's End, Part 2

Le Monde Cafe, Al Rayyan Road, Qatar

"The World" is... closed.

"Some things are so sad there is no space left for anything else. They are big enough to fill up a whole room all by themselves." Tamara Gane, "If She Never Remembered Me Again", Al Jazeera News

Maybe I'm supposed to be more freaked out.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be as freaked out.

Maybe this is why I feel so edgy lately.

Maybe this is why I'm just already over it.

Ministry of Public Health, Public Notice 1 April 2020

I care, but with perspective of what is really happening.

I'm not sure of much, but I am sure I released control over it immediately.

Trauma emotions have returned. While my best-life-ever-friend Ramesha guides that our trauma doesn't define us, I think it makes up a large part of who we are or how we have arrived at who we are. Emotions have no calendar or watch. They arrive when they feel like and depart when they are finished making wreckage. Traumatic thoughts, good and difficult memories of things, and also humbling acts of kindness offered by those I love, even moments from outside that time frame, they all bubble up and out of my brain all day as if they happened seconds ago.

The luxury of going where you want, with who you want, doing the things you want to do in the places you wish to do them was taken away from me once before this quarantine. Restrictions, limitations, or closures don't bother me.

I've been through it before.

My world already shut down.

Sealine, Qatar

I remember the moment I became suspended in time, sitting across from one of the world's leading Interventional Radiologists, telling me all the new ways things were were going to have to happen, effective immediately.

I remember asking that doctor if I could at least go for a sandwich before I went home. (Yes, sandwiches were a great idea, his suggestion was a dog themed cafe.)

For nearly 3 years after that moment, life was just suspended.

First, suspended because there was someone and something greater. Everything was gladly put on hold for a better cause- outings with friends, birthdays, dinner parties, concerts, sporting events, all postponed attendance with understanding. Second, suspended in alcohol, unhealthy eating habits, and gluttony. Weight gain. Nagging, distressed thoughts. Lurking and building feelings of inequity and incompetence. Alone in a crowded room. Alone in a classroom. Alone.

A pretty serious flip and fall down a tall set of steps (sober, hadn't had a drink in a week, my pajama pants were oversized and frumpy and caught the edge of my slipper) led me to realize I did not want this spiral to continue.

I flipped my thought perspective to look at what I have, instead of what I didn't have.

I have a little bit of strength that hasn't been broken yet. It's called hope.

I have a loving family who will never leave my side.

I have a job.

I have an amazing set of surroundings.

I have a life that is worth better than me treating myself poorly any longer.

I have a prayer community.

I have a guardian angel who will shove me down a set of steps a second time to get my attention (true, I fell again about a year later, same way, and tossed out those pajama pants).

What I started with was either remaining at the end or it wasn't. What wasn't there at the end wasn't worth keeping. What remained was worth defending, and I was better off for the divide.

I got myself together by going to my yoga mat. I went inside to find strength. I used the exterior supports to keep my outside up. I released my thoughts to the heavens and just took it one little bit at at time to rebuild the insides. One little victory. One mile. One lower dress size. One less drink. One class period. One authentic smile. One more piece of hope.

Al Sadd, Qatar

Zero people on what would normally be an alive shops street.

So, none of this lockdown/closure/quarantine matters to me, because it serves to divide. Seeing at the end what remains and what is worth defending. What remains is worth defending.

Ministry of Interior, Public Notice issued via our PRO 26 March 2020

Now with a 10,000qar ($2746.50 USD) fine.

Shutdowns? Closures? Fine. All Fine.

I've been through it before.

Death. That is really the end of the world.

I'm struggling with knowing there isn't anything I can do to make any of this global situation better for those I love. I have to just sit through it, and #stayathome doesn't feel like you're doing much if you're a charitable and community active person. The only thing is to release control - which is my connection to this other situation when every day was another spiral, another series, another set of traumatic information, and there was nothing I could do to control it for those I love.

That I still love.

But it's different now.

I can't go to the park. It gives me (more) screen time with my email box to send letters to those I miss. Gives me a chance to work on some personal projects and career goals.

I can't walk the corniche with my friends who I miss so greatly. We have virtual meet ups. Takeaway meals left on doorsteps. Text threads extending into audio voice clips.

InterNations February Jazz Night Event, St. Regis Lounge

Jordan, Kenya, UK, Aladdin and Me

Blue-light filter glasses. I'm trying to decide who in my family I most resemble now.

I can't be in my classroom with my students so I made a home classroom and teach here with regular student engagement of 60 or more students in online sessions. I've been watching my favorite Insta-celeb-teachers and created some cool content. School delivered 2 xylophones and a hand drum and I'm excited to put this all together in a new setup after spring break.

I can't stand closer than 1.5 meters (4.92126 feet) to someone else out in public. I always feel crowded at the register or window shopping anyway... but I really miss the way Aladdin instinctively places his hand on my shoulder or the small of my back in a crowd.

Aladdin and I on Curieuse Island, Seychelles.

I can't go for dinner with by BFF (UK in the above photo). We 'accidentally' went and grocery shopped at the same time before it was too scary to go out. Her work visa will end before this is over and I'm not sure I'll see her in person again in Doha. I can't think about that, there's just no more room for sad.

I've been through hell. (twice, actually but that's another story)

I will tell you this is going to be hell.

Al Sadd Street, Al Sadd, Qatar

Normally bumper to bumper traffic

We're all gonna survive if we just give up trying to control it.

Acceptance is an improvement.

Please, stay home. Dave Matthews's great Pay It Forward Concert mentioned the bowl of M&M's analogy - of the mixed up 100 M&M's, 80 of them are fine. 16 will make you sick and 4 will kill you. Are you gonna eat any? Would you feed them to your family?

Anyway. Stay home. Please.

While you're there, don't set out to complete large home improvement projects, unless you really want to do them. Play cards. Cook something fun. Watch concerts on digital platforms. Exhaust a free trial for every streaming service in existence. Type in random nouns in a Netflix search and see what you get. Dress in silly clothes. (Shower and change daily, or 2 days, max). Draw, paint, create with your hands. Read books. Write one. Resurrect vintage Zynga games on old devices. Flip your perspective.

Maintain control of only what you can... yourself and the love you have for those in your life.

This time, as the world is ending I am already laying off the booze, managing the food situation, and maintaining my minimalistic perspective. Although my trauma emotions have returned, I refuse to regress.

I already went to my yoga mat. (Not the floppy one from Helipad Yoga. I got myself a new one.) I knew I needed the dimension of my mat. The smallest space I can control.

My Doha Skyline

I'm in my 'chrysalis' - what I called my flat this year - and I'm happy to stay home a little bit longer. The who, what, and where that was all worth it before will all be there when it's over.

Trust me on that.

Slainte.

January, 2019, Dukhan Beach (closed now for COVID-19)