Decorating Your Space

View from Marriott City Center, Aqua Lounge, a quiet Ramadan Thursday Night

Aqua Lounge, pool area

Quick thoughts tonight, I mostly don't want to forget them myself, but maybe you'd like to read them too.

A few weekends after I arrived, some friends and I came to the Aqua Lounge for rooftop cocktails and a breath of fresh air. As we sat and looked over these city center buildings, I made a wish to myself, to never get tired of looking at this city. My promise that when the emotional rollercoaster of ExPat life took a dip, I would find renewed energy in the sculptures, statues, architecture, layout, and lighting of the buildings of Doha. I would always find peace here.

Doha, 3 May 2019 - I took this photo on a sunset cruise on one of these Dhow boats!

9 months later, I sit in this same place, waiting for a few great Doha friends, and I write you to looking at these same buildings - my promise kept, looking with the same wonder and awe of this entire experience. Much has changed these months and not just in architecture and city structure, as this week every 6 minutes the beginning rumbles of the first completed Qatar Rail line passes by.

Emotionally, things have changed too.

I have found peace.

With everything.

It took a few beginning weeks in Qatar (and a broken IKEA glass) to realize how much anger was trapped in my heart. It seemed like the entire decade of my 30's was a struggle or a fight against some type of system just raging and pushing me in every direction. Instead of becoming angry and bitter during it all, I became kinder and more gentle. Letting the anger work its way out through my mind and soul has not been easy. This week I was still struggling with the last of a few pieces of anger, which have softened into sadness, and ultimately tonight ended with a bit of joy as I look to "redecorate the not-angry-anymore spaces" of my life.

The final piece of anger softened into the sadness while stretching Monday night after spin class, accidentally glancing in the gym mirror to see my body (gym mirrors have always been a no-no for me, and actually mirrors in general are a no-no for me, photos also - I never wanted to know what I look like). When I caught sight of myself in the mirror Monday - I was sad. I'm trying so hard at mending myself in so many ways. (You say I look great and I make it look easy, but this isn't easy and this week I am not feeling all that great.) I'm feeling old, I feel like I look old. I'm tired like an old person. It was hard to see that on my spun-out exterior, growing stronger, aligned, and fiercer. But, I was still sad. I realized the next morning I forgot to look inside, and at my timeline of all the things this body has taken me through, held me together during, given me a chance to experience in forty years. It was during spinning later Tuesday night that I suddenly accepted my 40-year-old awesome self, and this ability to be able to redecorate my interior. It was enough of a realization to make me almost fall off that bike.

I am no longer angry at my physical personal space anymore. I am not lamenting my body shape/type/structure either. It's my house, and I'm going to decorate it as I wish, cherishing what this space has allowed me to have, hold, see, climb, love, and build.

I was examining progress on city center construction tonight, noticing how buildings have risen over 9 months, wire and pipes and ventilation systems installed, window placement, exterior design pieces added, and new buildings are being framed on vacant city squares.

I also realized that all of that building means interior design too. Outer structures becoming secure now - time to focus on the interior spaces of these new places. What will that rooftop restaurant look like? Will I ever have a chance to eat there? What style will those apartments take? Will I ever know anyone who will live in them? What exciting shoppes will my friends and I find in these places? What offices will exist and who will they hire that may become new friends?

Here is the Hope. (My greatest of the three.) Hope for all of it, hope for all of the newness. Hope for the consistency of the new things and new patterns and new designs.

Suddenly, staring at those buildings - sadly (because I hate losing people), yet happily (because I love meeting new people), and acceptingly (because life is meant to be lived and what is meant to be will find its way to you), tonight I really do feel like a new person. I feel like I have lost my old self and am a totally different person. I said "Thank you, my friend - Shukran, habibi" to the girl who brought me this far, and I said "Hello" to the girl I am now, the girl who went through it all and lived to tell the tale.

Now that I've let go of all of that anger, I realize I am tired. I'm tired of people, places, things, and ideas. But I'm energized from the trip I took to get here. To this exact little lounge, with these exact people, on this exact night. I looked at these buildings tonight and asked myself, "Ok, so what do I do now with all this space I have?"

I thought releasing all this anger and finding acceptance would give me the answers.

Nope. I'm still wondering! I still have questions!

How am I going to decorate my now-vacant-anger-space? What is this new girl starting looking like? What ideas is she forming? What does she stand for and what does she fight for and what does she simply shove out of her way? Minimalist style, I only need one thing. And tonight, I felt like I really had it firmly. My first promise to myself when I stepped on that plane.

Self-accepted love.

My "Lady in the Architecture" of the Museum of Islamic Art (Mia, is her name).

She overlooks the city and the bay. I always wonder what secrets people have told her, and that she knows and keeps guarded in her heart.

Love for all the not-so-great things I've been through.

Love for all gifts I've been given to get through them.

Love for all the great things I'm blessed with having.

Love for all the things that didn't work out so this thing could. Love for all the people who have been "learned lessons".

Love for my family and friends who accept me and my fizzy brain.

Love for the things I had, have, and will have when it is time to have them.

Love.

Accepting the love we think we deserve - and that love first comes from ourselves.

Love is a great decorator.

So is luck, but I think that's another blog post. I'm just really lucky to have had all of you with me, and you not giving up on me when it was really hard for me not to give up on myself.

This post, I ask you the same question I asked these city buildings and myself too: what does the ultimate inside look like? What do you need for it?How is it best organized or structured? What do you want to have and how will you have it?

How are you turning anger into acceptance and then into love? What life lessons are you finding? Are you learning from them? Do you recognize them, accept them, and then let them go?

What are you doing with your life?

You don't have to know any of it (hey, sometimes I still have no idea how I actually got to this apartment in Doha, but life took me here and I went with it) - you don't have to know, but you have to live... and really, truly, live. Be patient with the process. Time, karma, and patience seem to work everything out.

This weekend I'm visiting my Mia and then some time at Souq Wakif... you go have a nice weekend.

Accept, live, and love.

... and I will do the same. There's a bit more school work, a lot more travel, and some really great experiences with perfect people these next few months before I see you on the flip side.

Happy Weekend.

Slainte.