Year Five on 4/25
I will always remember standing in the cemetery thinking how at some point there would be a "Five Year Mark". Standing there trying to process exactly what was happening that day and my brain was feeling fizzy. The feeling of becoming detached from the whole experience was growing. There'd be a Five Year Mark. Five whole years without his laugh, five years without seeing his crystal blue eyes, five years without the "giddy up" fingers, and five years without hearing him say, “It’s going to be ok.” (also his signature, "What did you do now?"directed to me, but I digress...) - The concept of a "Five Year Mark" gave me something to focus on as my brain fizzed and spun.
I will always remember standing at Andy Gavin’s looking around at all of the people gathered to celebrate Himself. While we were sharing our stories, wiping our tears, and lifting ourselves up with the good memories of the brilliant man we all love and cherish, I saw my support network. A whole group of people who would continue to help each other through the tough days. - A support network gave me the foundation to focus and held me accountable to now take care of myself, my home, and my family.
I never gave up Hope either. Hope that I would be blessed with a tomorrow and hope that the promises of those good friendships would write more stories, laugh until the tears flow, and be people who would commit to supporting each other along the way. And you did - you crazy hope friend people types. You never gave up on me. You held me accountable to coffee dates, dinners outside my house, porch beers, yoga classes, 5K routes, trombone playing, and all the other things that make a person have a "life".
And of course there was Sal, that crazy little poop monkey.... she was the best little dogfriend a girl could ask for to be a beacon of Milkbone hope during the darkest nights.
I'm convinced he still comes to visit the house. Herself comes to visit too and knowing the two of them are together again makes me a happy soul when there’s a bit of a draft that smells like little wet dog feet and a good Punch cigar.
So, I tell you these following things because I want you to know that I struggled. I struggle still. It's not all glamorous. I want you to know it's ok to keep things in your heart you don't share and open your heart to sharing things when you're ready. When are you ready to share? Only you know that answer... but take heed:
Never stop giving up hope. For what? You’ll know. You’ll know what hope you need.
Listen and hear. Yourself, others, books, podcasts, anything you think you need. Take what you need from what you hear. It's not all good. It's not all useful, but listen anyway. Just listen.
Never stop believing in your own inner strength. Always turn to the light and find the good things. The positive things. You owe it to yourself to gain strength so when you're having a tough day you can pick yourself up.
You will find your strength in support networks and if you don’t have one, get one. Make one. Use one. They exist.
If you have to hit the "reset button" on your life do not apologize for it.
Take a deep breath daily. Your only job is to keep breathing. Don't forget to breathe. #essential
Take time to heal. Focus. Take time for you. Rest. "You have to put your own air mask on before helping anyone else" (airplane disaster protocol). Say "no, thank you."
Stay hydrated. Water works best. Cups of tea will work also.
When you feel the worst of it will simply break you apart, believe it will just give you more pieces of your awesomeness to share with the world.
Because I’m in love with all of you, each and every one of you, share your pieces with me and thanks for letting me share when I'm ready to share and thanks for honoring my space when I need an extra day. I’m thrilled to be taking you all with me on this adventure. At this point, I'm going to need two hands, so I may get you a kiddie leash., no offense, I can’t leave you totally unattended. You're the reason why I do have nice things!
You’re the greatest. I'm not crying, you're crying. <hugs>
So that's it. The "Five Year Mark".
In your own lives, in your own way, may you find the peace I find on this day.
I still miss ya, Jimmy.
But since it fell unto my lot That I should rise and you should not I'll gently rise and softly call Good night and joy be to you all.
The High Kings - "Parting Glass"
“If we’re all just walking each other home, then toss out this map and let our hope in the lights above guide us there.” - me
Slainte.